


A Reason to Fight

by Warakurna



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 21:12:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8505634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warakurna/pseuds/Warakurna
Summary: Levi Ackerman has never truly let his guard down. While he knows humanity matters, that love matters, he can't afford to truly believe it has a place in his life, because of what he has to be. 
He understands how painful it is to lose someone close to him, and every time he loves someone, they are taken away from him, brutally. 
Petra is kind, she's strong, kind and now, she's dead. Levi looks back on that, and realizes how much he's lost, somehow regaining his strength and fully understanding the scope of his weaknesses. 
In order to be the strongest, he cannot afford to be hurt again and again, to lose people over and over, so, he says why, and then never speaks of it again.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy this small, tragic glimpse into what I believe is part of Levi's heart that we may not see. It's from his perspective and is much shorter than anything else I may write!

I loved her. 

I really did. I didn't tell her, though. I know she knew I felt something, anything besides the usual overwhelming numbness I feel that's only broken by this intense drive to kill, to get ahead, to break free of the oppressiveness of what seems like countless obstacles. I can't say how many times I've wished that I was born in an alternate timeline, in a different place, world, anything. I have to be a hero, though. I'm humanity's strongest soldier. That means I can't cry. I can't break. I want to throw my hands up in the air and curse the God I detest quietly for letting her be taken from me, from our- our family. I can still see her pressed up against that tree, her proud head still jutting upwards, defiant even in death. Petra. An unbelievable woman. Strong, incredibly so, yet also docile, warm, loving. I shouldn't have pushed forward, but what choice did I have? I still remember the one night that keeps me sane through it all. The one moonless, starlit evening that I finally showed a bit of weakness in secret that will never be uttered by cold, dead, lifeless lips.

It was winter. We had killed many of them that night, and lost a great deal of our men as well. I was used to it. Everyone I've ever loved has been forcibly taken from me. I keep myself away from anything nice, anything kind, so I don't fall victim to the unfortunate human burden of love. That night, though, I was caught off guard.

I stood with my back to the exterior of headquarters looking up at the starlit sky, silently cursing the universe for the plight humankind was in yet secretly, in some discrete, desolate part of my blackened heart, I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for hope, that we could win this war of attrition and I could be happy. As I was about to finally, secretly allow myself to cry, I sensed a presence behind me. I veered around to see the only person in my squad who was shorter than me: Petra Ral. She reminded me of someone I used to know, so hopeful, so kind towards me, though I didn't reciprocate it. Her short ginger hair framed her petite, beautiful face to bring attention to her huge, amber eyes. She was beautiful to me. That's one of the reasons I hand picked her for my special operations squad. She was a fiercely competent soldier, yet also a calming, loving presence that reminded me of something I never had. I straightened my position, not allowing her to see that I subconsciously viewed her as some sort of angel fallen from grace by some jealous God.

"P- Petra" I spat out. "What are you doing out here?" She seemed to pick up on my slight anxiety. I usually dusted off anyone's suspicions that I had a heart with ruthless commentary that was in fact, usually quite genius.

"I wanted to come see you, Levi. You seem-" She stepped toward me. I didn't, this time, put up a fight. 

"W-what?" I stammered. "Ral. What?" She grabbed my hand, which truly caught me off guard. I never knew Petra Ral to be an instigator, but I suppose I had underestimated her.

"You seem like you could use a friend tonight." 

She turned to stand beside me, still holding my hand, as we looked up at the starlit sky, brighter than ever, as though Heaven's light itself was shining down upon us. She turned to look at me. I noticed of course, but I still fixed my attention upward. "Levi" she began, reaching up to touch my hair. "I know you've been through hell and back in your life. I know-" she paused, noticing that I filched a bit when she mentioned my past. "I know you better than you think. You don't have to try so hard to make sure you seem stronger than the Titans. I already know you are." 

She smiled as she turned to gaze up at the night again. The starlight seemed to dance across the fiery glow in her young, bright eyes. "Humanity may be physically weaker than the Titans. We may be small-bodied, prone to illness, and bound by other humans to follow suit to orders. We fight each other and we die young. But you know something, Levi?" She asked, her eyes still alight with passionate wonder. "We have something the Titans don't. We have a reason to fight. We have love. We have hope, we have a thirst for freedom that even the most ugly beast can't stop us from feeling. That's what makes us stronger: our souls, our passion, our hearts-" 

She squeezed my hand and turned to look at me. I allowed myself to look her in the eyes as she spoke. "-and Levi, I know you don't express love and affection openly. I know you've been hurt enough to not ever want to do that, but I know you're a kind and loving person deep down. You don't know how good you are. Realize it."

I guess it was the way she spoke, so confident and sure that we could beat the Titans, so sure that we were truly good that made me do it, but before I could force myself away, I had wrapped my hands around Petra's slender frame and was kissing her. I felt every fiber of my being come alive, my stone heart beating out of my chest. She didn't break away as I stupidly, inwardly feared, but wrapped her small, strong hands though my hair and pulled me to her. I don't know how long we kissed for but finally I remember stopping, looking at her and stating simply that I had to go clean the kitchen, before turning away and trekking back into the HQ building. 

I wished I had told her that I believed her. I wish I had told her that I believed her when she said that we, as men, are good, are free- free by nature, by some unalienable right, and that nothing, come hell or high water could ever truly take that away from us. The Titans could crush us, kill us, but they could never destroy our willingness to survive, to rise back up and fight for the glory of humanity. I also wished I told her I felt love for her- love that I never knew I could feel again. We resumed normal activity as though nothing had ever happened between us for the remainder of her time alive, but we both knew what happened that night under the stars, me in the arms of a fallen angel, Petra Ral kissing a hell-bound heartless soldier, one that didn't turn back when she was dying, one that knew she was gone when he pushed forward to try to save mankind.

I was the one who wasn't there for her. 

I blame myself every day for my squad's deaths, but I selfishly feel the worst about Petra's, and it's because I loved her. I loved the fire in her eyes, and the hope that she made me feel, that I no longer feel. I have resumed my usual composure, and I have reconstructed my own walls. This time I am sure they're ones that won't break again. I won't be hurt like that again, ever. 

Believe me when I say that I don't have the strength for it.

**Author's Note:**

> I originally had this up on my other account(s) off the Archive, but I thought I'd put my best version here! Thanks so much for a fun start, hopefully there will be more works to come.


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